How a gravitas strategy can help you have a great performance appraisal
4th March 2014Communication Breakdown: Five Mistakes Women Make Communicating at Work
17th March 2014Flattery gets you everywhere – The art of giving subtle compliments to build trust and get ahead
We can all recite the cheesy compliments and smarmy flattering lines that the office brown-noser uses. These obvious attempts at ingratiation usually have a reverse affect – which is to repel.
But flattery can also be subtle and is an important skill for those who tend to get ahead – usually perfected and practices by upper class men. The best flatters are typically men who have upper class backgrounds and experience in politics, sales or law. They”ve watched and learned for generations and have the insider track. However, women can do it too – just use these tips and adapt for your own style.
But flattery can also be subtle and is an important skill for those who tend to get ahead – usually perfected and practices by upper class men. The best flatters are typically men who have upper class backgrounds and experience in politics, sales or law. They”ve watched and learned for generations and have the insider track. However, women can do it too – just use these tips and adapt for your own style.
Breaking out of Tiara Syndrome
Why flattery matters? Tiara syndrome occurs when a woman thinks that because she works hard and is smart, she”ll get recognized and promoted. Not the case. Who you know and how you”re positioned – gravitas – also plays a tremendous role in your success.
Flattering matters because it helps engender trust and begins to position you as the “heir apparent” to the upper echelons. They are looking for the right person to pass the baton to, and it isn”t always the woman who”s working hard and is smart. Often it”s who they can visualize in the post or who they think they can trust to carry on their work.
Secrets that senior executives know about getting ahead
A study of the world”s top CEOs, executives and board members at large companies has shown a common skill amongst those who rise to the top – they have mastered the art of subtle flattery. This is a key element in getting the raise, promotion, board appointment that women often fail – why? because we haven”t learned to adapt and become skilled in this area.
How to appropriately give a compliment to your boss or board chair
Women tend to be very direct in compliments – and equally direct in rejecting them so as not to appear that they feel superior to another person. Women “level” themselves. This makes “flattery” challenging for women. In addition, if your boss is a man, you may be concerned that flattery will be perceived as flirting – also not good!
So learning how to elevate the other person with a compliment that doesn”t cross the line is a skill every woman who wants to rise needs to know.
Who do you need to influence in your rise to the top?
Identify the person who you need to flatter or ingratiate yourself with and target him/her with a 6 week campaign using the steps below. If the person is male, be sure you do not give any flirtatious signs with your body language, or your compliments will be seen as a come-on!
We”re looking to flatter, not flirt. So when you”re in your “flattery campaign” make sure you moderate the five facets: keep your distance physically, don”t touch or lean in during conversation, avoid wearing tight/revealing clothing, don”t draw attention to your mouth with bright lipstick, wear lower heels or flats, and try to carry a body-blocking accessory – like a notebook that you can hold in front of you as a barrier.
Here are the seven ways to flatter the boss without putting him off:
1. Preface a compliment with a disclaimer
Disguise the goal of the compliment and also help the person look modest by starting with “I don”t want to embarrass you, but…” or “I know you won”t want me to say this, but…” or “You”re going to hate me for saying this, but…” and then toss out the compliment freely. You”ve, in effect, pre-leveled so they don”t need to be embarrassed and they won”t feel overly flattered. Again, don”t casino online have any physical contact and be aware of looking through your lashes or anything that could be construed as flirting or it will have a reverse effect.
2. Ask for advice as a way of showing deference
Couching a compliment by seeking advice is actually very clever. You may get good advice, but what you”re really doing is showing that you want to learn from the person, that you admire and respect them. The subtle backhand is that you”re paying them a compliment by asking someone for their advice. And by saying that you see them as wise, they will think you are wise, too. Make sure the subject you”re asking about is gender neutral and not personal – you don”t want to highlight that you”re not “one of the boys” or ask advice on something that makes you seem like a weak damsel in distress. Instead, make sure you”re asking for advice about a serious business concern.
3. Back door compliments
Good things and bad things always get around. It”s much more effective for someone else to say you”ve complimented a person than it is to do so directly. When we speak glowingly about someone behind their back, knowing they”re likely to find out about it, it tells the person that you hold them in regard and it comes over as sincere and genuine. Again, make sure you”re not complimenting their physical appearance or it will sound like a crush – compliment their leadership style or specific achievements.
4. Don”t be a pushover
When the individual you want to flatter is pushing you to do something or get on board, don”t agree straight away. It”s best to argue a little first and then go along. This validates their sense of being smart and logical and they feel that you are discerning and worthy of trust. Ask good questions before you yield with the “Ok, you”ve convinced me, I”m on board.” This is important for women because it shows you”re not a pushover and you have “teeth”.
5. Do your homework
Find out what the boss or chairman thinks about a topic in advance by gathering information – then express similar views before they have a chance to introduce what they think. When done appropriately and not stalkery, this comes across as very sincere and you get credit for agreeing with the person without coming across as “kissing up.”
6. What”s important to them is important to you
Learn about the other person”s values. Are they supporters of a charity, do they have a specific religious conviction, are they committed to the environment? Establish early in the conversation that you have the same value – before they have a chance to declare their position. When we believe that others share our values on things that are important to us, we”re less likely to doubt and more likely to trust what they say next. Avoid talking about things that make you appear weak or as if you”re looking for sympathy – focus on values that are shared and strong.
7. Establish common denominators
What do you have in common with this person? Do they like you? For men, they”ll refer to a club or alma mater without thinking twice. Women need to do the same. This may mean joining a club that you know they belong to or another shared organization. Perhaps you have family that are in the same club or school? By mentioning the connection, you are raised in their estimation. Look at sports connections – golf clubs, tennis clubs – and education.
Maybe manipulative? But definitely necessary. Men have done this for decades. By camouflaging your ingratiation attempts and being subtle, you are much more likely to land a seat on the board or an office in the corner.
If you like this blog post, you may also like this!
Why flattery matters? Tiara syndrome occurs when a woman thinks that because she works hard and is smart, she”ll get recognized and promoted. Not the case. Who you know and how you”re positioned – gravitas – also plays a tremendous role in your success.
Flattering matters because it helps engender trust and begins to position you as the “heir apparent” to the upper echelons. They are looking for the right person to pass the baton to, and it isn”t always the woman who”s working hard and is smart. Often it”s who they can visualize in the post or who they think they can trust to carry on their work.
Secrets that senior executives know about getting ahead
A study of the world”s top CEOs, executives and board members at large companies has shown a common skill amongst those who rise to the top – they have mastered the art of subtle flattery. This is a key element in getting the raise, promotion, board appointment that women often fail – why? because we haven”t learned to adapt and become skilled in this area.
How to appropriately give a compliment to your boss or board chair
Women tend to be very direct in compliments – and equally direct in rejecting them so as not to appear that they feel superior to another person. Women “level” themselves. This makes “flattery” challenging for women. In addition, if your boss is a man, you may be concerned that flattery will be perceived as flirting – also not good!
So learning how to elevate the other person with a compliment that doesn”t cross the line is a skill every woman who wants to rise needs to know.
Who do you need to influence in your rise to the top?
Identify the person who you need to flatter or ingratiate yourself with and target him/her with a 6 week campaign using the steps below. If the person is male, be sure you do not give any flirtatious signs with your body language, or your compliments will be seen as a come-on!
We”re looking to flatter, not flirt. So when you”re in your “flattery campaign” make sure you moderate the five facets: keep your distance physically, don”t touch or lean in during conversation, avoid wearing tight/revealing clothing, don”t draw attention to your mouth with bright lipstick, wear lower heels or flats, and try to carry a body-blocking accessory – like a notebook that you can hold in front of you as a barrier.
Here are the seven ways to flatter the boss without putting him off:
1. Preface a compliment with a disclaimer
Disguise the goal of the compliment and also help the person look modest by starting with “I don”t want to embarrass you, but…” or “I know you won”t want me to say this, but…” or “You”re going to hate me for saying this, but…” and then toss out the compliment freely. You”ve, in effect, pre-leveled so they don”t need to be embarrassed and they won”t feel overly flattered. Again, don”t casino online have any physical contact and be aware of looking through your lashes or anything that could be construed as flirting or it will have a reverse effect.
2. Ask for advice as a way of showing deference
Couching a compliment by seeking advice is actually very clever. You may get good advice, but what you”re really doing is showing that you want to learn from the person, that you admire and respect them. The subtle backhand is that you”re paying them a compliment by asking someone for their advice. And by saying that you see them as wise, they will think you are wise, too. Make sure the subject you”re asking about is gender neutral and not personal – you don”t want to highlight that you”re not “one of the boys” or ask advice on something that makes you seem like a weak damsel in distress. Instead, make sure you”re asking for advice about a serious business concern.
3. Back door compliments
Good things and bad things always get around. It”s much more effective for someone else to say you”ve complimented a person than it is to do so directly. When we speak glowingly about someone behind their back, knowing they”re likely to find out about it, it tells the person that you hold them in regard and it comes over as sincere and genuine. Again, make sure you”re not complimenting their physical appearance or it will sound like a crush – compliment their leadership style or specific achievements.
4. Don”t be a pushover
When the individual you want to flatter is pushing you to do something or get on board, don”t agree straight away. It”s best to argue a little first and then go along. This validates their sense of being smart and logical and they feel that you are discerning and worthy of trust. Ask good questions before you yield with the “Ok, you”ve convinced me, I”m on board.” This is important for women because it shows you”re not a pushover and you have “teeth”.
5. Do your homework
Find out what the boss or chairman thinks about a topic in advance by gathering information – then express similar views before they have a chance to introduce what they think. When done appropriately and not stalkery, this comes across as very sincere and you get credit for agreeing with the person without coming across as “kissing up.”
6. What”s important to them is important to you
Learn about the other person”s values. Are they supporters of a charity, do they have a specific religious conviction, are they committed to the environment? Establish early in the conversation that you have the same value – before they have a chance to declare their position. When we believe that others share our values on things that are important to us, we”re less likely to doubt and more likely to trust what they say next. Avoid talking about things that make you appear weak or as if you”re looking for sympathy – focus on values that are shared and strong.
7. Establish common denominators
What do you have in common with this person? Do they like you? For men, they”ll refer to a club or alma mater without thinking twice. Women need to do the same. This may mean joining a club that you know they belong to or another shared organization. Perhaps you have family that are in the same club or school? By mentioning the connection, you are raised in their estimation. Look at sports connections – golf clubs, tennis clubs – and education.
Maybe manipulative? But definitely necessary. Men have done this for decades. By camouflaging your ingratiation attempts and being subtle, you are much more likely to land a seat on the board or an office in the corner.
If you like this blog post, you may also like this!
